Kamis, 03 Desember 2009

dalam diam, tak bergerak
dalam sunyi, tak bersuara
dalam gelap, tak melihat
dalam hampa, mati rasa...
seperti batu....

melihat dalam gelap

aku merasa apa yang terjadi
tapi aku tak bisa melihat apa yg dilakukan
aku mendengar ada yang bicara
tapi tak bisa melihat siapa yang dibicarakan
aku berbicara kepada diri sendiri
tak ada yang mendengarkan
aku melihat ke arahku
karena aku sadar
aku buta
aku merasa hambar... mati rasa


menjadi yang terakhir
tak pernah dilihat
tak pernah didengar

sedang yang lain
selalu ingin dilihat, didengar
hingga nyaris memaksa

menjadi yang terakhir
itu bukan kawanku
itu hanya harapan

tak bisakah.. kalian, kalian, dan kalian
sedikit saja
sebentar saja
melihatku, mendengarku
mengetahui semua tentang inginku
yang hampir mati suri disini...
mati rasa

broke the glasses... like relationship..

Relationships are like glass.
Sometimes it's better to leave them broken than to hurt yourself trying to put it back together.

about the ignorance...

You never hear me talking
And you always walk away
when I'm in the middle of a story
Sometimes I wonder if I cried out your name,
and told you I loved you,
if you would listen..
But I couldn’t say that
because I hate you for treating me
like I'm not there....

ignorance is a bliss
so, if someone around you is happy
chances are s/he is ignoring you

when im aorund you...
i feel so invisible

half full half empty

setengah isi
oleh keramaian bumi
yang menawarkan tawa, senyum, gembira dan riang
yang memberikan cinta, sayang, kasih dan iba

setengah kosong
oleh sunyi sendiri
yang ada memang hanya sunyi, sepi, tangis, dan sinis
tragis ....

tapi aku terbiasa
menghadapi semua
hingga menjadi kebiasaan

kadang tangan kananku ingin membahagiakan orang lain
namun tangan kiriku terlalu egois
untuk merebut bahagia itu
jadi milikku sendiri

aku tak terbiasa
membagi sedih kepada yang lain

rahasiaku hanya aku yang tahu

after the sunrise

hai pagi...
semoga bening hari ini
membawaku dalam sejuk yang damai

masih menawarkan kebahagiaan dunia untukku kan?
menawarkan ya... bukan menjanjikan!
jangan pernah menjanjikan apapun,
jika kamu rasa kamu tak bisa menepatinya..

jika aku ingin bertanya
tentang arah mana
siapa yang akan kuandalkan??
angin atau arah matahari?

lelah memang menjalani pagi yang berat

aku letakkan hati itu
agar tak ada beban dalam hidupku
dan aku bisa terbang tinggi, bebas.....

life is NOT about being happy

“The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you lived and lived well.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

While desperately pursuing a sweet spot in life, a carefree happiness that’s eluded me for some time, I’ve recently lost sight of any higher purpose. I, like a child, wanted instant gratification. Intentionally forgetting that enlightenment and wisdom most often come through great adversity and pain, I’ve just been trying to get the pain to stop. Doing so, I believe I may be inadvertently slowing the process to that eventual goal. When we set aside our problems to be looked at later and drown our sorrows in the protective presence of friends and beer, those problems don’t disappear. I know this, but I am not living this.

I don’t want to just get by in life, I want to experience it to the fullest, to the absolute hilt.

What I am doing now, how I make use of my time now, will never get me to the hilt.

“In the end, it’s what gets you through the day that counts.”

So many people repeat and/or subscribe to this theory, but dwelling on it this evening, I realized it couldn’t be more wrong. Making the most of your life means doing the exact opposite of that, for sure. It has everything to do with what you choose to do to get you through the day.

For the people who regularly end a long workday with a six-pack of beer and mind numbing television programs, they are making a choice. A life choice. That choice, poor or not, is to zone out, veg out and otherwise zombie-walk through the rest of their lives. Rather than face each day clear-headed and vulnerable to life’s inevitable disappointments, they prefer to immune themselves to trials and tribulations with numbing agents that narrow their fields of perception. There are nearly endless ways to zone out; video games, movies, talking mindlessly on the phone, bottles of wine, whatever. And I’m not saying that a few mind numbing nights are not in order…we all need to zone out once in awhile. However, the ease in which you can slip into that numbing process is dangerous. Suddenly, it’s every night and you wake up one day, wondering what the hell you’ve accomplished in your life. Well, the answer is in the moments you let slip away.

I made some serious promises to myself about a year ago. Promises concerning patience and kindness to others, pursuing wisdom in all things, learning from my mistakes, indulging my insatiable pursuit of knowledge and realizing important goals. I’ll admit it. They’ve been put on the back burner recently. No, not just on the back burner, if I’m being honest with myself. They’ve gone largely ignored as of late and the fault lies only and solely with me.

Coming to the realization a few years ago that I’d lived my life somewhat indulgently and even been reckless with other’s feelings and hearts, I decided then to be more cautious in all aspects of life. That is a difficult task for me, considering my naturally flighty and spontaneous nature. Well, I would say that in many aspects, I was successful. Today I can say with confidence that I am an honest, straight-forward and thoughtful person.

Unfortunately, I can not say that I am any closer to realizing my goals and I am no longer learning or moving forward. I’ve reached a wall in my evolution, and in order to scale that wall, I think I’m going to have to accept a certain amount of fresh pain and grunt work is a must. It’s time for me to cleanse, refresh and start over. Since I don’t have outrageous sums of money to hide away, contemplating in a lake cabin for a year, I’m going to have to suck it up and say no to the temptations around me. I must learn to focus, or I will never reach a single one of these goals.


kenapa bisa seperti ini
kenapa bisa sebodoh ini
aku terlalu jauh melangkah
saat kulihat arah awalku
terlalu jauh, sangat jauh

satu yang harus terpilih
dan itu bukan aku
satu yang harus aku lewati
dan itu masa lalu

itu salahku...